On loss...

Pregnancy is amazing. It is scary, humbling, awe-inspiring, and beautiful. Pregnancy makes the future bloom with possibility and wither as well. Your dreams are manifest in every kick and heartbeat. Your fears are present in every stillness or drop of blood.

There are assurances. There are milestones. You move from one point of panic to another, adding new hopes and dreams along the way. You mark these points of progress because you no longer have to worry about being queasy and can look forward to elastic waistbands. With every step forward you are thankful to put away the concerns of the last step, because you don't have to worry about that anymore.

But sometimes you do. Sometimes you are far enough along not to worry about miscarriage, but it happens anyway. Sometimes you begin to bleed but the baby's heartbeat is strong and regular. Sometimes you try to calm the spasms but the urge to push is too strong. Sometimes your body fails you and you push that still beating heart out of you.

You hold your family close. You kiss your child. You stare in amazement at the card and pictures from the grief counselor. You touch the impossibly tiny footprints. You become angry at yourself. You become angry at everyone else who is pregnant. Everyone is pregnant. Everyone is healthy. Everyone says something nice and normal. Everything sounds crass and crazy. Everything is not okay.

It won't be okay. It never will be. But there are other milestones. Other worries. Other joys. As these dearest possibilities are lost and mourned, different futures are unfolded. Even in passing, your baby is loved and your heart will never change even though the course of your life has.