My Inconstant Moon

After my hiatus I had planned on returning to the weekly posts. As you can see, this plan has not worked out as expected. Many of my expectations have not been met. So what is the problem? I am going to go out on a limb and say that the issue is with my expectations.

The expectation that blogging would be fun.

• Blogging can be fun. The subject of your blog can dictate how fun it is to blog. Blogging about fashion or gardening or puppies might be fun. I blog about my life. My life has not approached fun in the past year. Why would blogging about it be fun? Instead it is heart wrenching and sad. At best it offers an amount of catharsis.
  
• This is my new perspective: Blogging is cathartic.

The expectation that other bloggers would welcome me into their community.

• I know that the blogging communities exist. I've seen blogHer pictures. I have felt a magnetic pull towards certain bloggers. Yet I don't feel much reciprocity. I have received some wonderful and supportive comments. I have a few people who read my blog. But I still feel as if I am screaming into the abyss. Well, am I? Yes. My writing is usually distant and not that good. No one can be expected to relate to that.
• I post sporadically. Is anyone seriously hugging their mouse, waiting in vain for me to drop another pearl of wisdom or painful episode into their reader? Hopefully not.
• Am I so desperate for a sense of connection that I'm holding my breath for comments and readers? Yes and no. I have gotten a lot of support from friends and family but very little understanding. They are usually happily married, had horrible divorces, or no children were involved... my experiences seem so foreign in my community. In Al-Anon, I get a lot of understanding and support but it's centered around a small facet of my life. When I started this blog I was drawn to the anonymity of the bloggers and immediacy of the responses. I wanted people who didn't know me to read between the lines and take me into their virtual arms. On the other hand, I am not interested in pouring my very limited energy into networking in a virtual world. The real world needs way to much of my time.
• My new perspective: I get out what I put into blogging.

The expectation that my lawyer would listen to me.

• I wanted to set up child support and custody by filing for a legal separation. My husband may be moving a few hours away to learn a new trade. He would be in another state for a few months or more. I want to make sure that my daughter sees her father even if it means that I take her there once a month and he stays with us two weeks later. They need each other and their relationship must be nurtured in a healthy way.
• Additionally, I need some financial support. I have taken over all of the bills but have only made $12,000 this year. I am becoming a budget master, have gotten a new job to keep our house and take care of my daughter, and have begun saving as much as possible for our future. Still, I could use some help. This sounds very clear cut and reasonable to me. I filled out the financial paperwork and signed a sheet attesting that the financial statements were true.
  
• My husband was served something so heinous that, when he read it over the phone, I felt sick to my stomach. He knew it wasn't what I had asked for and said that it didn't sound like me. The sheet that I had signed was attached to this nightmare. I was on the phone with my lawyer in minutes. I met with him the next day. He said that this was boilerplate language and clearly this was a case where boilerplate wasn't appropriate. I told him that this situation, my life, is hard enough. We, my husband and I, are doing the best that we can to make this family function in whatever form it takes. And that he, my lawyer, had declared war against my husband on my behalf. I received a refund for my retainer and the motion was retracted the next day.
• My new perspective: Read everything, sign nothing until it is complete, and make your lawyer repeat your intentions out loud.

The expectation that things would change in my marriage.

• They have not. My husband took heart in the retraction of the order for separation. He said we should find a couples' counselor and try counseling again. I have been the one to set up every lawyer, adviser, counselor, doctor, or professional for both of us. I said I was completely open to that but thought that he should make the arrangements. He happily agreed. Then he said that he would be at a wedding that upcoming weekend, at work all the next week but then he would call after that. It has been three weeks, no call. Last night he checked what my upcoming schedule was like but I can't get my hopes up. There is always a difference between intention and action, the talk and the walk. It's the difference that hurts. But it only hurts if I let it. Ignoring his words would only put up bigger walls and close off communication. Holding him to his words would only build up anger and resentment.
  
• My new perspective: Acknowledge the talk but only put stock in the walk.

So that's the landscape of my blogging and personal life at the moment. Sorry if you were looking for a happy post about eating sunshine and crapping rainbows, I'm not that kind of girl. But, I promise to work on my expectations and maybe I'll approach fun-ish. Do you have something that needs work?