A Meaningful Conversation...

Have a conversation with someone you love. Don't select a topic. Don't set an agenda. Don't think about the course of the discussion ahead of time. Don't try to "make a point or "set them straight." Don't talk down to them, at them, or about yourself. Sit down with someone and look them in the eye. Talk to them about everything, anything, or nothing at all. The state of their world, their dreams for their life and future, or an observation of the mundane in their day. They may surprise you with how they see their situation, their vivid imagination, or their wonderful sense of the absurd.

If you have a conversation with your children you will strengthen your bond with them. You will build mutual trust and respect. You will get a glimpse of their perspective and they will get a glimpse of yours. This fosters empathy and compassion. Younger children, even infants, will increase their vocabulary, grasp of context, and deeper meanings beyond just simple labels (bottle, dog, bath, etc...). Older children will be challenged to speak candidly with an adult in a safe environment, building their confidence and their conversational techniques. You may be surprised by what you learn about your children, their abilities, and their opinions. With adult children, you may discover a new friendship and sense of pride in someone you've always known but not necessarily understood.

If you have a conversation with your parents you may find the person behind the label of "Mom" or "Dad." These are the people who suffer your judgement, condescension, and exasperation. These are also the people who want more for you than they want for themselves. However many imperfections or transgressions you can count against them, they love you the best that they know how. You may discover that you have never really seen the person in front of you, their dreams, their sacrifices, their pain, their problems, their humor, or their worth.

Couples can remember why they stayed up all night talking when they first met. Friends can share more than jokes. Neighbors can share more than fences. Family members can share more than blood. We are a social species, defining ourselves by our relationships to others. Weave the tapestry of your life with the most fulfilling relationships you can and you will be able to wrap yourself in their warmth and love to the end of your days.

Gardens are good...

Money is tight... and getting tighter. Relationships are strained. Nerves are fried. There is a persistent, pit-of-the-stomach tension that fills the air like fog. Make a small but meaningful investment. Buy some seeds.

Whether they are 1 acre or 1 pot... gardens fulfill the promise of bounty. Your work will be rewarded. Your time will be well spent. Your investment will bear fruit... literally. This sort of return cannot be guaranteed by the stock market, your retirement account, or your home equity.

When you feel insecure and on shaky ground, plant the garden. Dig into the ground and ground yourself. When your mind is plagued by doubts and worries, weed the garden. Every weed pulled will take a bad thought with it. When you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, tend your garden. Pruning the suckers and training the vines get you one step closer to the harvest, one step closer to better times. As your garden grows so will your sense of well-being. There are other benefits to be sure: healthy and inexpensive food; great exercise; lower blood pressure.

Obviously, gardens aren't the solution to every problem but they help. Too often times like these leave us broken, lost, crawling into bottles, numbing ourselves in front of screens, or distancing ourselves from loved ones. Gardens give us purpose. They give us hope. They give us the joy of anticipation versus the gloom of foreboding. They give us an opportunity to escape without being destructive or "wasting time." They give us the chance to get dirty and laugh with our friends and family.

If you've never done it before you can start small. A pot, some soil, a few seeds... soon you could be cutting beautiful daisies, snipping delicious basil, picking succulent tomatoes, and smiling. We could all use more reasons to smile.

Like Mud...

The getting-to-know-you stage, so wonderful, interesting, exciting, and fun. Hours spent talking and touching in exploration of new nooks and crannies. Days spent enjoying meals and activities that were normally mundane. Weeks spent planning adventures and dancing around the trappings of a common future. These are the gentle times filled with kind words, soft touches, enveloping kisses, and passionate stares. These are the times when you slip easily into the warm mud.

Harsh words, sharp stares, quick movements, and closed arms. The tension inside reaches out to find a sparring partner but is met with a wall. Why are you being this way? What did I do? How did this happen? Don't you care? The emotion-bred questions go unanswered. The tears are not wiped away. The outstretched hand is not held. These are the times when you are thrust against the mud and find it is cold and the impact is hard.

But there is love and desire. The ghosts of the wonderful past and the hopes of the bright future swirl around the grim reality of the present. Problems are revealed; emotional insecurities, bouts of depression, questionable choices, and deafening silences. Doubts, accusations, and resentments find purchase in the growing divide. There must be something to fix this. There must be some way to help them. You will hold the relationship together. You will take care of their problems. You will do this and lose your sense of self and self-worth. These are the times when you learn how sticky the mud is and how quickly you can drown.

You need to pull yourself out of the mud and save yourself. Just getting out of the situation isn't enough. You have set yourself aside and put someone else's well being ahead of your own. In doing so, you have diminished yourself. This loss must be addressed.

You will not find what you lost by focusing on the past. All you will find are ways to doubt and blame yourself. You gave everything you could and you gave enough. Let that go. You will plant the fruits of the future in the soil of the present, make sure that the soil is as rich as possible.

Take stock in yourself, be gentle and realistic. Find something you are thankful for every day. Take small steps towards achieving small goals; spring cleaning, seeing the museum exhibit, going to the concert, finishing the project, volunteering in the community, reading the book, signing up for the class. These things are fulfilling and replenishing. They are also the first steps on the road to realizing big dreams, your dreams. Once you have momentum, you will find fellow travellers. They are recognizable by what they can share with you- not what they need from you. Whatever you do, don't get stuck in the mud again.

Adopting a little love...

In these tough times, a little love can go a long way to bring smiles and heal hearts. Animals from shelters are filled with a lot of love. They all have their own stories. Maybe they were abandoned, abused, or neglected. Maybe their old family no longer has the money to care for them or the home to provide for them. Maybe their former family member passed away and they have no one to take them. Then they were thrust into a strange place, scared, confused, and lonely. The details of their stories may be visible in shy glances and hung heads or kept hidden behind wagging tails and contented purrs.

What matters to them now is their future. The home they can share, the family they can form, the love they can give. Yes, there will be vet, food, and incidental bills, all of which should be taken into consideration before adoption. Fortunately, the joy and love they give more than makes up for any cost they incur. The lives of both the animal and their new family are changed for the better. Every morning is brightened by smiles and every evening is filled with snuggles. Car rides become adventures. Walks become expressions of glee. Laser pointers become objects of obsession. If the choice to adopt is made, prepare to laugh.

A few tips:

1. Watch out for allergies in the animal. While allergies aren't common in all breeds or species, they can be mistaken for "bad" or odd behavior. Some symptoms include paw chewing/excessive licking, face rubbing, labored breathing, swelling around eyes/jowls, diarrhea, and uncontrollable bowel movements.
2. If a male animal is brought into a home where other animals have lived (even if years have passed) consider using an odor eliminating cleanser to clean the floors/furniture/carpets. A black light can help identify urine stains for deep cleaning. This can greatly reduce the urge to "mark" his new territory.
3. Don't buy everything at once. Avoid a huge bill by getting to know the animal before shopping for their "necessities" (that rhinestone collar and matching tutu).

Rock Climbing

After a Tough Day

Bet on The Lobster

Lessons Learned... and Learned Again

1. Do Not Let Someone Else's Actions Dictate Your Feelings:

A minor disruption causes a quick fuse to ignite with a tantrum of inappropriate words and actions.

Their poor performance doesn't need a critique, they are probably looking for you to justify their bad mood. When someone is acting irrationally and makes you feel defensive or hurt, is your response going to be from a place of rationality? Will they receive your reaction with rationality? Take a breath. Observe their actions but don't take them to heart. If this is too difficult, walk away. If the incident needs to be addressed, do it when those involved are calm and willing to reflect.

2. Do Not Let Someone Else's Feelings Dictate Your Actions:

Plans have been made but one of the participants is unhappy. They repeatedly insinuate that the plans should be cancelled as if to say, "I'm unhappy, you should be unhappy too."

The idea that the unhappy individual does not want to participate is entirely acceptable. They have a right to do what they like. However, none of the other participants should be forced to forgo their own plans. This sort of behavior indicates that the unhappy individual wants to be acknowledged, be the center of attention, or have company in their misery. These wants are not the responsibilities of others. An appropriate response, "I'm sorry you can't make it, you'll be missed. Maybe you can join us next time." The disappointment they feel will be theirs to own and no guilt should be felt.

3. Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, and Don't Say It Mean:

A situation involving relatives or friends results in requests for advice/thoughts/discussion.

The most important part of this situation is that your input was requested. This doesn't mean that they want you to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. This also doesn't mean that the honest answers they are looking for need to be brutally honest. Again, take a breath. Consider their situation and the best possible honest response you have to offer. Remember that the best structures are well supported, not easily torn down.

All of these points seem simple and obvious. True, but they are not always easily applied. They are not cures for every uncomfortable or confrontational situation. They are tools to make these situations better.

Love, Marriage, Family, and Lies

A phone call from a sobbing friend. The first meeting with a couple's therapist brings a startling revelation. "I have never loved you." Suddenly, 8 years are filled with lies: marriage, serious health scares, birth of twins, new house, economic trials, and all of the caring whispers and gentle touches that come with a shared life. Every mountain and valley, every hug and kiss, every picture and memory, all of it formed from the interweaving of two lives, two intentions, two emotions. What do you do if one of them was insincere?

You fall apart, you break down, you allow yourself to feel the pain and betrayal. Then you look at your children and realize that you were sincere. You loved, touched, hugged, kissed, laughed, and cried with your heart invested. You lived the last 8 years as a whole person without deception or self-deception. But there is no righteousness here because ultimately, this new truth will alter all of the lives it touches.

The future is now what is important because there are children. Children are not lies, nor are they made of lies. They are part of a family that exists beyond truth and deception. A family has been created and although it's structure may change, it will not end. The family filled with resentments and inappropriate comments is divided by chasms too deep to build meaningful bonds across. The family filled with love and respect can be divided by space and divorce but connected by unbreakable bonds. Love may not exist between the parents but it is important that this new truth becomes the foundation of a respect. Respect them for their parenting skills, what hard workers they are, their sense of humor, anything, because you will be with this person for the rest of your life through your children.

You will be together at plays, games, and birthdays. You will be together to discuss discipline, education, and dating. You will be together for good times and bad times. Find some common ground to make those shared moments about your children and not about your animosity or hurt feelings. This common ground makes it easier on your children as well. Spare them inappropriate comments, looks, and sighs. Your children know that they are made up of both of their parents, if you disparage their other parent, they feel that you are disparaging them as well. As they grow up, they will remember the things you have said or done and judge you accordingly. If you showed them how respectful you are, they will respect you. If you show them how resentful you are, you will earn their resentment.

But right now, while the doubts swirl and the wounds ache, breathe. Know that you are surrounded by love from your children, friends, parents, and siblings. Know that you deserve this love and it is real. Know that you will find love in the future as well. It may not be in the form that you had imagined, or follow the plan that you had had for your life, but it will come. Know this and remind yourself of it often. Chase away your doubts and hurt feelings with this knowledge. Eventually, you will trust this love in your heart as much as you know it in your head. But for now, breathe.

My Two Cents

A different perspective, a little clarity, or a kick in the tukus if necessary. Come and get my two cents... for what they're worth!