Like Mud...

The getting-to-know-you stage, so wonderful, interesting, exciting, and fun. Hours spent talking and touching in exploration of new nooks and crannies. Days spent enjoying meals and activities that were normally mundane. Weeks spent planning adventures and dancing around the trappings of a common future. These are the gentle times filled with kind words, soft touches, enveloping kisses, and passionate stares. These are the times when you slip easily into the warm mud.

Harsh words, sharp stares, quick movements, and closed arms. The tension inside reaches out to find a sparring partner but is met with a wall. Why are you being this way? What did I do? How did this happen? Don't you care? The emotion-bred questions go unanswered. The tears are not wiped away. The outstretched hand is not held. These are the times when you are thrust against the mud and find it is cold and the impact is hard.

But there is love and desire. The ghosts of the wonderful past and the hopes of the bright future swirl around the grim reality of the present. Problems are revealed; emotional insecurities, bouts of depression, questionable choices, and deafening silences. Doubts, accusations, and resentments find purchase in the growing divide. There must be something to fix this. There must be some way to help them. You will hold the relationship together. You will take care of their problems. You will do this and lose your sense of self and self-worth. These are the times when you learn how sticky the mud is and how quickly you can drown.

You need to pull yourself out of the mud and save yourself. Just getting out of the situation isn't enough. You have set yourself aside and put someone else's well being ahead of your own. In doing so, you have diminished yourself. This loss must be addressed.

You will not find what you lost by focusing on the past. All you will find are ways to doubt and blame yourself. You gave everything you could and you gave enough. Let that go. You will plant the fruits of the future in the soil of the present, make sure that the soil is as rich as possible.

Take stock in yourself, be gentle and realistic. Find something you are thankful for every day. Take small steps towards achieving small goals; spring cleaning, seeing the museum exhibit, going to the concert, finishing the project, volunteering in the community, reading the book, signing up for the class. These things are fulfilling and replenishing. They are also the first steps on the road to realizing big dreams, your dreams. Once you have momentum, you will find fellow travellers. They are recognizable by what they can share with you- not what they need from you. Whatever you do, don't get stuck in the mud again.