Love, Marriage, Family, and Lies

A phone call from a sobbing friend. The first meeting with a couple's therapist brings a startling revelation. "I have never loved you." Suddenly, 8 years are filled with lies: marriage, serious health scares, birth of twins, new house, economic trials, and all of the caring whispers and gentle touches that come with a shared life. Every mountain and valley, every hug and kiss, every picture and memory, all of it formed from the interweaving of two lives, two intentions, two emotions. What do you do if one of them was insincere?

You fall apart, you break down, you allow yourself to feel the pain and betrayal. Then you look at your children and realize that you were sincere. You loved, touched, hugged, kissed, laughed, and cried with your heart invested. You lived the last 8 years as a whole person without deception or self-deception. But there is no righteousness here because ultimately, this new truth will alter all of the lives it touches.

The future is now what is important because there are children. Children are not lies, nor are they made of lies. They are part of a family that exists beyond truth and deception. A family has been created and although it's structure may change, it will not end. The family filled with resentments and inappropriate comments is divided by chasms too deep to build meaningful bonds across. The family filled with love and respect can be divided by space and divorce but connected by unbreakable bonds. Love may not exist between the parents but it is important that this new truth becomes the foundation of a respect. Respect them for their parenting skills, what hard workers they are, their sense of humor, anything, because you will be with this person for the rest of your life through your children.

You will be together at plays, games, and birthdays. You will be together to discuss discipline, education, and dating. You will be together for good times and bad times. Find some common ground to make those shared moments about your children and not about your animosity or hurt feelings. This common ground makes it easier on your children as well. Spare them inappropriate comments, looks, and sighs. Your children know that they are made up of both of their parents, if you disparage their other parent, they feel that you are disparaging them as well. As they grow up, they will remember the things you have said or done and judge you accordingly. If you showed them how respectful you are, they will respect you. If you show them how resentful you are, you will earn their resentment.

But right now, while the doubts swirl and the wounds ache, breathe. Know that you are surrounded by love from your children, friends, parents, and siblings. Know that you deserve this love and it is real. Know that you will find love in the future as well. It may not be in the form that you had imagined, or follow the plan that you had had for your life, but it will come. Know this and remind yourself of it often. Chase away your doubts and hurt feelings with this knowledge. Eventually, you will trust this love in your heart as much as you know it in your head. But for now, breathe.